


i know

by justjeongie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, Growing Up, Jealousy, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Oblivious Remus Lupin, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:22:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26851384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justjeongie/pseuds/justjeongie
Summary: “That’s different. I just fear I may be reading all the wrong signs.” He explained.“That’s unlike you. To fear anything.”“I fear many things, Moony. You don’t even know half of it.”OR a dramatic retelling of remus growing up and discovering his own feelings
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 68





	i know

**Author's Note:**

> fuck jk rowling, i love my boys. 
> 
> i hope you like it :)

“ _ Shhh, do you want the square to hear you?”  _ Remus clenched his eyes shut. Surely that boy was talking about him.  _ ‘That boy’  _ of course being Sirius Black. The same boy that everyone in Hogwarts spoke about. The one that defied his family just by being placed in Gryffindor, which happened to be the same as his own. He loathed that boy. He and Potter were always up late at night, busying themselves with Merlin knows what. Probably thinking of new ways to mess with poor Severus.

“ _ He’s asleep, Sirius. Come on, let’s just go already.” _

So they were sneaking out. Of course they were. Not like they ever chose to follow the rules. The wonder was, how they never got caught. With the older students patrolling the halls, they were sure to be seen by someone after these many nights of leaving after hours. Remus peeked an eye open, hoping to get a glimpse of the two sneaking out but to his surprise, he saw something even more interesting. His eyes widened as the two of them disappeared right in front of his eyes.

Remus had read about invisibility cloaks before. They were a common gag gift sold at places like Zonko’s and the sort, but he had never had the pleasure of seeing one in person. Or at least one of such quality. Where would these two possibly get such a thing? Of course, Remus knew they were both in such high and mighty families, the house of Black being one of the most honorable pureblood families in wizardkind. Perhaps it wasn’t anything more than a gift from a relative. Although, it didn’t really matter, as they were right in front of Remus, sneaking out in plain sight, the only thing hiding them being a flimsy cloak. Remus had enough of the two keeping him awake every night with their wild antics. In only a moment, he decided to jump out of bed before the pair could even escape the room.

“Hey!” He whispered loudly, having some consideration for poor Peter Pettigrew who shared the misfortune of being their roommate. Remus wondered if they might have already left under the cloak, but knew they were still hiding when he heard the faintest sound of a shoe shuffling against the stone floor. He marched over to where he remembered they were standing, and blindly felt around for the pair. Finding the cloak, he pulled it off of the boys and crossed his arms over his chest. “Do you two ever sleep? I should bring this to Dumbledore, I’m sure it’s not allowed.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and leaned against the wall. “Lighten up. You always get in the way of our fun.”

“Only because I would like to keep you out of trouble. Honestly, do the rules mean anything to you?”

“If you break a rule and no one knows, have you really broken that rule?” James questioned with a playful smile on his face. Remus loathed how carefree they were. 

“But I’ve caught you.”

“Would you really tell on us, Remus?” Sirius challenged, still cooly propped against the cold stone of the wall. “What does that get you? Do you think Dumbledore will truly adore you after you turn us in? Already trying for head boy and we’re not even through with our first year yet. Just go back to bed and let us have our fun you-”

“Sirius, wait.” James held up a hand, thankfully for Remus, interrupting the other’s words. “What if he wants to come with us?” James eyed Remus carefully with that same grin on his face and his glasses slightly crooked on his face. Remus always noted how disheveled James looked on a daily basis, and wondered if it was purposeful. 

“There’s no way.” Sirius chuckled and shook his head. “He’s the _ square. _ The only exciting thing he’s ever done is stayed up past his bedtime.”

“I’ve done plenty of exciting things in my life, thank you very much.”

“So you’d like to come with us?” James asked. Remus always did like Potter better out of the two. While he could still be mean, he was far less cruel than Sirius could be. 

“And I don’t get a say in this?”

James ignored Sirius’s complaint as Remus stood blankly. He had barely spoken to these two for the entirety of his stay at Hogwarts thus far other than introductions or small talk. Why was James suddenly asking him to join them? He surely couldn’t, that was for sure. What if it was something that could get them expelled? With Remus’s condition, if he stepped out of line, he was at serious risk of being thrown out of the school for good. Besides, why would he want to go with them?

“It’s okay, I’d rather not.” Remus shook his head disapprovingly while frowning. 

“You don’t even know what we’re doing. It’s pretty exciting, actually. See, Hogwarts has so many secret rooms and tunnels and whatnot, wouldn’t it be fun to know exactly where everything is? Where everything goes?” As James spoke, his eyes seemed to light up, gushing about their great adventure. 

“And where  _ everyone  _ goes.” Sirius chimed in, also getting a bit excited talking about their plans.

“So what are you doing, exactly?” Remus had to admit, he was intrigued. At least, this all didn’t sound too bad. They weren’t hurting anyone, they weren’t breaking any rules other than curfew.

“A map.” James smiled, pulling a piece of fresh parchment out of his robes. “Of everything and everyone in this school. Wherever they go, we’ll know.” 

“That’s pretty advanced magic.” Remus looked at it skeptically. Any first-year who could bewitch such a thing had to be well wise beyond their years.

“Right,” James grimaced as he tucked the parchment back in his robes. “Which is why it hasn’t gotten very far. But we are scouring every inch of this castle and plotting it out.”

It wasn’t actually some diabolical scheme. Not some silly prank or cruel plan, but a clever idea. They were working towards something that was, albeit far too difficult for their level, ingenious. Remus didn’t really want to know how they planned to use it, but the fact that they were sneaking out every night to work on this showed real dedication to the project. Maybe they weren’t so terrible after all. Maybe he thought wrong of them.

“So are you coming or what?” Sirius pushed himself off the wall and reached out a hand. Remus looked at it as if it would reach out and bite him or something before he realized he was still gripping the cloak tightly in his hands. Reluctantly, he placed it in Sirius’s hand and watched him drape it over the three of them. “Keep your footsteps light and don’t talk too loud. Make sure you keep up-”

“Wait!” A small voice interrupted Sirius again and all three heads whipped around to see their other roommate sat up in his bed. “I’d like to go too!” None of them had heard Peter speak very much. He was always very timid and often kept to himself, much like Remus. The mousey boy had leaped up and run towards the trio who was just about out the door. Sirius groaned and pulled the cloak off of them. “I’ve always wanted to go, but I never had the courage to ask. I’m small, I could fit under there as well! I promise I won’t be loud.”

“Sirius, I don’t see why not.” James shrugged.

“Sure. Do you want to stop by the girls' dorm and pick up Lily Evans? Or maybe we’ll gather all the girls. Why don’t we bring every Gryffindor, that sounds fun.” Sirius joked, but still gestured for Peter to huddle up with them. Perhaps he wasn’t so insufferable after all. Perhaps he was merely still stuck behind his heart of black.

-

“Remus, are you really still sick?” Sirius plopped himself beside his friend at dinnertime. It was the day after the full moon, leaving Remus looking far worse for wear. “You know we wouldn’t mind coming with you to the hospital wing when you feel bad. We could keep you company.” 

Remus eyed him nervously. He hated lying to them, truly, but there was no way he could disclose his secret. He had spent the majority of his first year distancing himself from the other students. No one would ask questions, no one would assume anything. No one would be disappointed when they found out their best friend had been lying to them their entire friendship. He never expected to become as close to these boys as he did. In only a year of being friends, he began breaking rules and laughing more than he ever has in his life. He didn’t want to lose them.

“You know it gets bad once in a while. I’m fine, Madame Pomfrey takes good care of me. She wouldn’t let you near me anyways, you know how she is.” Remus sipped his pumpkin juice. He wasn’t sure how long he could get away with this fib, but it still seemed to work. No one really wanted to doubt his supposed illness. 

“Are you okay? You look worse than usual.” James noted.

“It was a rough night. Didn’t get much sleep.” James and Sirius both glanced at him and then each other with something in their eyes that Remus couldn’t quite read, but it was gone almost as soon as it came. He sighed and stood apprehensively. “I’m going to the library to catch up on what I’ve missed. Don’t wait up for me.”

-

_ “Last night was the full moon. Just like the last time he was sick.” _

_ “You d-don’t really think that-” _

_ “It would make sense, wouldn’t it? He disappears once a month and has all these scars on him that he refuses to tell us about. He’s so secretive.” _

_ “Well, you would be too if you were a werewolf.” _

_ “But why would he lie to us? I mean he should know that out of all people, we would be the first ones to accept him. I think it’s pretty cool, personally.” _

_ “But isn’t it kind of scary? He could eat us, James.” _

_ “Peter, he wouldn’t eat us. It’s Remus.”  _

Remus leaned against the dorm room door, his mind reeling. He knew his friends were smart, but how could they have figured it out? He reached up and ran a finger over a nasty scar down the right side of his face, leftover from the night before. They never questioned it to his face. He always played it off. Maybe they were too bright to fool, but Remus couldn’t possibly tell them the truth. He reveled in what James had said though,  _ “...we would be the first ones to accept him.”  _ Somehow, Remus knew it to be true, but what if it wasn’t? What if they were afraid of him forever or worse,  _ disgusted.  _ He was a monster. They shouldn’t be okay with it. Although, Remus had to remind himself that they were just speculating. He could walk in right now and-

“Remus!” He was so lost in thought, he failed to notice the door open right in front of his face. “Hey, you’re back early, you usually take hours in the library.”

James was right, on most days he would spend as much time as possible reading up on whatever he could, but tonight he was far too exhausted, and needed to get to bed. He was intrigued when he heard his friends talking in their shared dorm room, and even more when he found out they were talking  _ about _ him. He didn’t even realize they stopped talking until James was in his face and Peter was cowering in the corner.

“I was going to turn in for the night.” He said, ignoring the elephant in the room. “Am I interrupting something?” His eyes shifted amongst his friends, full aware of what he was doing. They couldn’t truly know, right?

“No, nothing at all.” James shook his head, laughing awkwardly and stepping aside to let Remus in. 

“Don’t lie to him, James.” Sirius walked towards the door where both Remus and James were still standing. “Remus is smarter than that. Let’s just tell him we know.”

“But we don’t  _ really  _ know, do we?”

“We went over this. It makes sense. He has all the symptoms, he just has to tell us the truth.” Sirius turned to face Remus directly. “So? Do you have anything to tell us?”

Speechless, he shook his head, worried that his voice would betray him. Feigning ignorance was the only defense he had anymore. 

“Remus-”

“You know you can trust us.” Sirius pushed past James, moving swiftly to take one of Remus’s frail hands into his own. “Who would be more accepting than this band of misfits? I’m a family disappointment, you used to be ‘The Square,’ Peter is practically the cowardly lion, and James… James is something else, but we are your closest friends. I never truly realized what great of a decision we made that night last year when we let you come with us under the cloak. In the short time I’ve known you, I can truthfully say I hope we stay friends for the rest of my life, and I mean it. I trust you more than you could possibly know. You just have to trust us.”

Remus glanced around the room. James was watching carefully, unsure of how he was going to respond. Peter was still cowering in the corner, possibly terrified of the idea that one of his best friends could very well swallow him whole. Sirius squeezed his hand, bringing his attention back to him. Remus had never seen such a vulnerable look on his face until now. It made him instantly wonder why he hadn’t trusted him before. It was strange to see a softer side of him, but Remus would slowly discover that he would come to crave it. 

Remus stared back at him with his mouth agape, searching for the right words to say before a sob escaped his lips without his permission. He failed to register the hot tears that were stinging his face and running over his various scars. Slightly embarrassed, he bowed his head, hiding his face from his friends until Sirius pulled him into a hug that Remus thought could cure everything. It seemed words weren’t needed anymore. The only sounds were Remus’s soft weeping and the rustling of robes as both James, and apprehensively, Peter joined into the group hug. Remus had never felt so safe yet so vulnerable. Everything was out in the open without even needing to be said, and his best friends were right there with him, unafraid and completely there for him.

-

“Another bad night?”

“It gets worse every time.”

“Well, we’ve got news for you, Remus.” 

The four boys were crowded around a piece of parchment, still only halfway finished with the map they started on their first year. Remus had dark circles under his eyes as well as ugly scars scattered across his body. He looked as if he would collapse any second, although he would never admit how weak he truly felt. Not around them. He looked at James sideways, asking silently what the ‘news’ was. James simply smiled before opening his mouth, revealing some sort of leaf that was tucked under his tongue. Remus turned to both Sirius and Peter to see the same thing.

“What is-”

“Mandrake leaves, Remus!” Peter exclaimed, excitement visibly bursting out of him. “Do you remember what we’re learning in transfiguration?”

Remus searched his brain for a moment, trying to remember what Professor McGonagall had spoken about the day before. The full moon usually left his mind a little cloudy, and he was unsure of what was taught, furrowing his brow at the three. 

“What if we came with you every full moon during your transformation? You know, to the shrieking shack?” James started, a mischievous smile had donned itself upon his face.

“That’s ridiculous, you know I can’t be around others.”

“But what about animals?” Sirius smirked as he toyed with the leaf in his mouth. 

“I don’t think we’re known to attack other animals, but why does that matter, what are you getting at?” Remus asked, but almost immediately understood. Their last transfiguration lesson had been on animagi. One of the ingredients of the potion to achieve that goal was to keep a mandrake leaf in one’s mouth for an entire month. From full moon to full moon. “You’re joking.”

They were all three grinning from ear to ear, exceptionally proud of themselves. James was the first one to speak, though they all were itching to get Remus excited first. “Nope. We managed to weasel some information out of Slughorn. We would’ve tried McGonagall but-”

“She frowns upon it unless supervised. Also, she would be very nosy about the whole thing. She’d be suspicious of everything and even make us register.” 

Remus frowned. “You  _ should _ register.”

“That would defeat the purpose.” Sirius rolled his eyes. “Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes, if we register, then they’ll know it’s us sneaking out with you every full moon. Besides, think of all the things we could get away with!”

“It’s a really brilliant idea, Remus. Maybe then you won’t harm yourself with us around. Don’t they say that werewolves just need companions?” James marveled, his eyes brighter than Remus thinks he’s ever seen them. Though, he was still on edge about the whole thing.

“How did you manage to get information out of Slughorn anyway?”

“I may have promised to get an O.W.L in potions and join the slug club.” Sirius shrugged. “My name is the bane of my existence, but at least it has some use, right?”

Remus caught his eye, not missing the sadness in his eyes that contradicted the smile on his face. He wondered how much Sirius really hid behind his cheerful exterior. Behind his playfulness that they all knew, how much despair was he really hiding? Before Remus could say anything, Peter let out a yelp as he slapped his hand to his mouth. His leaf was lying on the ground before him.

“Oh no,” He sighed as he picked up the soggy leaf, grimacing a bit. “Now I have to wait for another full moon.” James patted him on the back and pulled out his own leaf.

“No matter. We’ll just try again next month.” He assured Peter who looked like he was on the verge of crying. James turned to Sirius who had reluctantly pulled out his own leaf. “We’re in this together. None of us are going to fall behind.”

“James, you sappy bloke.” Sirius shook his head as he chuckled. “This is going to take forever isn’t it?”

“Probably. But it’ll be worth it.”

Remus seemed to always forget how incredibly lucky he was to have these boys in his life.

-

“Did it hurt?” Remus asked, hunched over, his head in his hands. 

“Like hell.” Sirius laughed. “But it was worth it. I mean you’re bloody terrifying mate, but there are no fresh scars on you like there usually are. So it must’ve helped.”

“I suppose it did.” Remus sat up slowly. His head was killing him. He didn’t end up harming himself, but he guessed the bad feelings would never go away. “Who would’ve guessed you’d be a dog.” He chuckled.

“Who would’ve guessed Peter would be a rat?” Sirius laughed in response. They were the only two in the dorm room, as Sirius had volunteered to keep Remus company while James and Peter nabbed food from the kitchen. Of course, Remus insisted he was fine, but Sirius would never let him lie like that. The smile on Sirius’s face changed in a moment. It didn’t disappear, but it was almost distant. “I don’t know if James has told you or not, but I can’t return home this holiday.”

“What do you mean,  _ can’t _ ?” 

“I may have spoken out of term last summer and got myself in the doghouse. Let’s just say I’m not welcome back.” Sirius snorted as Remus turned to face him with a look of concern. “It’ll be fine  _ Moony, _ James said I can stay with him. Maybe I’ll visit you over holiday too.”

“So you’re-”

“Out. Burned off the family tree and everything. You know, I’m surprised it took them this long anyways. I thought for sure I’d get an owl on my first day of them disowning me for being in Gryffindor.” He looked up to see Remus’s face before laughing lightly. “I’ll be okay. I turn 17 next November so I’ll find my own place then. Just one holiday rooming with you boys.”

“How are you so calm about this?” Remus shook his head in disbelief.

“I told you, I knew it would come one day. Besides, I’m of no use when my brother is a shining star. He’ll continue the family name and I’ll just be dirt to them for the rest of my life. Don’t worry about me, I’m better out of there anyway.” Sirius smiled again, patting Remus’s knee. “Merlin, I’m starving. Where do you think Prongs and Wormtail are?”

“Prongs?” Remus cocked his head. “Wormtail? Moony? Where on earth are you getting these ridiculous nicknames?”

“I thought they were obvious. James and I came up with them when we transformed for the first time. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. All fitting for our animal selves, don’t you think?”

Before he could answer, the door burst open with Peter and James barrelling in. Peter had a basket of food clutched in his hand and James had their map in his own.

“Guys! We did it! It’s finally done!” James was grinning from ear to ear as Sirius and Remus jumped to their feet. “We just need the final touches.”

“I thought we sent you to get food?” Sirius teased but crowded around the map with the rest. James’s face grew a bit red at the question.

“We may have gotten a bit sidetracked.” 

“We saw Lily Evans on the way and he insisted we talk to her.” Peter giggled, placing the basket of food down onto Remus’s trunk, crouching down to look at the map. “We happened upon a secret room and he started going on about it being done.”

“How do you know it’s really finished?” Remus asked apprehensively. The castle was huge, there was no way James could definitely say it was done.

“It’s like I knew. Like the school told me I had done it. All the secret entrances and rooms that this school is hiding belongs to us. We know where everyone is at all times. All we have to do is enchant it with our own personalities.” James was beaming, his project from their first year finally coming to fruition. “We should sign it, of course.”

“But if it falls into the wrong hands?” Peter asked, staring at some dot moving through the halls on the map.

“Then we use our code names.” Sirius offered. When Peter looked up at him, he grinned and exchanged looks with James and Remus. “Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs.” Peter thought it over for a minute before grinning, realizing each name’s meaning. 

“Brilliant!” James exclaimed. He pressed his wand to the parchment, everyone watching it glow and mark itself with their new names. He grinned at it and his eyes brightened like they often do when he hatched a devious plan. “If old Snivellous ever gets the clever idea to snoop, we should play a little joke.”

“Nothing too cruel.” Remus chimed in while Peter and Sirius cheered at the idea.

“Come on, don’t get all soft Moony. You know, that does have a nice ring to it.” Sirius nudged Remus and coerced a smile out of him. “Let’s just insult him a little. It’s what he deserves after all.”

“Done. He’ll be in for a treat. A special message from The Marauders.”

“The Marauders?” Remus felt out of the loop here, Sirius and James seemingly having many ideas between each other that they have yet to share with the group.

“Has a nice ring to it doesn’t it? The professors claim we’re the biggest troublemakers in school, right? Like some sort of band of pirates. Maybe besides our local prefect here.” Sirius continued to joke.

“I’m no square.” Remus murmured and felt Sirius lean into him making his face flush. “Someone has to be responsible and keep you out of too much trouble. I have fun.”

“And that’s why we love you Moony.” Sirius leaned further into him.

“The Marauder’s Map is now complete.  _ I solemnly swear I am up to no good.  _ That’s how you open it.” James seemed to be glowing, and everyone in the circle was smiling, staring at their hard work of inspecting the castle for the past 5 years.

“We’re about to have the best few years of our lives boys,” Sirius said, watching the dots move across the parchment, his head resting on Remus’s shoulder. “ _ Mischief Managed.” _

And the map closed itself, as the four of them exchanged glances silently, still smiling as if they were invincible.

-

“Moony, good to be back!” Sirius burst into the train compartment that Remus was sitting in by himself. James trailed behind and filed into the space with them. “How’d you manage to get out of the prefect carriage?”

“Told you I’m not a square, Padfoot.” Remus set down his book, dog-earring the corner of the page and leaning back into his seat as his friends sat down. “Where’s Peter?”

“Buffet car. Said he was starving.” James shrugged. “How was your Summer?”

“Rather boring. After years of dealing with you lot, it takes quite a bit to keep me entertained.” He shrugged, staring at his hands in his lap.

“Are you okay? You seem off.” Sirius leaned forward in his seat that was across from Remus. 

“You said you’d visit me,” Remus muttered, trying his best not to get emotional. “I waited all holiday for an owl, but you didn’t say anything to me.” 

“Moony, I-”

“I’m going to go chat up Lily. Maybe grab a snack from the trolley, anyone want anything?” James stood abruptly, likely reading the room and not wanting any part of it. Sirius and Remus both shook their head and watched James leave.

“I don’t mean to make it a big deal, but it just hurt my feelings I guess. I’m trying to be more open about how I feel. Madame Pomfrey thinks that because of my issue, I carry too many secrets and keep to myself too much so here I am.” Remus rambled as Sirius stared with a dumbfounded look. 

“I didn’t think it meant that much to you. I thought-”

“Spending the full moon with you all has helped me so much that these past few transformations have been hell.” Sirius barely noticed the fresh scars that covered his body. “I wish you would’ve at least told me you weren’t coming.” Sirius stared for a moment more, opening his mouth and then closing it as if he wanted to say something but took it back before it even came out. 

“I guess I got so caught up in the fun that James and I were having.” He finally admitted. “His parents are like angels. Offered to let me live there until we finish school. I declined of course. Even got a job in Godric’s Hollow at some bookstore to start saving galleons. I’m sorry, Moony. I got so wrapped up in my own shit that I forgot about yours.”

Remus didn’t reply. He thought it over for a moment before picking his book back up and opening it to the page he was on before. Sirius continued to stare, confused as to why his friend wasn’t saying anything. 

“Moony, come on, you know I didn’t mean anything by it. I was busy.”

“You were busy with James, I understand.” Remus barked, coming across harsher than he meant to.

“Where is this coming from?”

“It’s always been you and James.” Remus sighed, trying to calm himself. As he was getting older, he was realizing many traits were seeping into his everyday life that he was warned about as a child. Cravings for meat, an intense sense of smell, and as of recently, a sort of anger he would normally never feel. It always seemed to get worse near a full moon. “From the beginning, you two were inseparable. I think I just have to come to terms that James will always come before me.”

He didn’t say anything. Remus wondered for a minute where the jealousy came from in the first place. He’s always doted about how handsome Sirius was, but then again, they had been told they were an attractive group of boys. James was nothing to sneer at. Remus took a lot of time out of the day thinking about Sirius, sure. He was his best friend. Remus always felt closer to Sirius than the other boys, but Sirius was always with James or talking about James. He wondered if they had a secret that they wouldn’t share with him and Peter, but James was an open book in every way possible and pinned relentlessly after Lily. 

Besides, it’s not as if Remus thought of him as anything more than a friend in the first place. Of course, Sirius’s little touches here and there made him flustered. They would do that to anyone, especially a hormonal teenage boy. An occasional hand on the knee in the great hall. A hand on the shoulder lingering a little too long. Leaning into Remus whenever they were sat in the dorm together. Of course, he would feel butterflies. Everything made you feel giddy at his age, especially with the lycanthropy factored in. Of course, he thought of Sirius when he was away. He was his best friend. And James was his number one competition, right? James was Sirius’s best friend and Sirius was Remus’s. 

Remus stood suddenly, causing Sirius to follow his movement. “I should head to the prefect carriage.”

“But-”

“I’ll see you at Hogwarts.”

-

“I really don’t understand why she hangs around him so often. I warned her once that she’d better not slip when she’s walking behind him and she almost hexed me.” James was watching the map, probably staring at Lily. “Don’t you talk to her Moony? Being prefects and all?”

“We study together.” He shrugged, setting down his quill. “We complete our duties together. That's about it.”

The two were in their dorm, Remus laying on his bed, finishing his potions essay and James having just come back from quidditch practice and too tired to be out and about. Peter was off fetching some books from the library and Sirius was taking forever in the shower, as he usually did.

“Why don’t you put in a good word for me?” James looked up, meeting his eyes. “You know, tell her how great I am? I just can’t break through to her.”

“I don’t think Lily Evans of all people would take kindly to that.” Remus laughed and placed his hand in his palm. “Besides, she doesn’t like how you treat Snape.”

“She should hang around decent people.”

Remus snickered. “Like you?”

“C’mon Moony, just ask her what she really thinks of me.” James was almost begging at this point. “I’ll do something for you. I’ll talk to Padfoot about you. Although that shouldn’t be too hard.” Remus looked at him with wide eyes. What did he mean by that? “Moony, me and Peter know. It’s so painfully obvious.” He rolled his eyes.

“I don’t follow.”

“You look like you’re going to implode anytime he touches you. And don’t forget that whole thing on the train this year.”

Remus’s mind was reeling. He had gotten so angry on the train, just to burst into tears that night in the dorm, forgiving Sirius and just claiming he didn’t want to be forgotten. He didn’t mean to lash out. Sirius even had the sense to not bring it up since. 

“What are you trying to say, Prongs?”

“That you’re head over heels for our beloved Pads.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“I’m telling the truth. I know the way you look at him. I see the way you flush when he’s too close. How you get jealous of how close him and I are. It’s because you like him.” James leaned back on his hands, a little too calm for Remus’s liking, considering the words coming out of his mouth. “He’s fond of you too. He’s just better at keeping secrets than the two of us.” Remus’s mouth felt dry all of a sudden. “So? You push me and Lily along and I help you two idiots figure it out.”

“But I don’t like him.” Remus pointed out as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Moony, you may be the smart one, but Merlin, you are dense where it counts.” James snickered before the door opened and a very wet Sirius Black trailed in, a towel in his hand as he dried his hair with it. “Nice, long shower Pads?” James asked, his voice suggesting something more than just a shower.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” He retorted with a smile and sent a wink in Remus’s direction, causing him to look away in embarrassment, feeling his face grow hot. Maybe James was right after all.

-

“So you’re rich now?”

“I guess. Rich enough to live on my own this summer.” Sirius shrugged. He and Remus were sitting at the edge of the lake, idly floating rocks into the water. “And you’ll be visiting  _ me  _ this time, you hear me?”

“Loud and clear, Pads.” Remus smiled softly, hugging his knees to his chest. 

There was a comfortable silence between them. The year had gone by so quickly, it didn’t truly feel like it was ending. He recalled the various tricks and schemes that the marauders had pulled together. James was finally getting somewhere with Lily after Remus had a chat with her and Snape said something to upset her. Remus had spent more time with Sirius that year than he had before. Probably because James was busy with Evans and of course their argument on the train. 

Of course, Remus didn’t have Sirius to himself, exactly. It was no secret that girls fawned over his looks. With him and James being on the quidditch team as well, Sirius had his choice of girls every night it seemed. Remus remembered him saying something about getting too old for silly pranks and ready to take on some birds. It seemed they were all getting too old. Even Peter had a date not too long ago, leaving Remus alone in the dorm. 

It would be different if he weren’t friends with these boys in particular. Sirius and James were two of the most arrogant show-offs Remus had ever met. When Sirius would stumble in the doorway, describing in detail what he did to the witch who had the fortune of his company that night. James would tell them exactly how far Lily let him go. Peter would explode, telling them of the girl he wanted to do nothing more than to touch. It was nauseating to Remus. He spent most nights reading or doing homework before patrolling the halls. He wanted the fun, stupid pranks back that they had loved for so many years. He wanted his friends back. 

Though, Remus was surprisingly grateful for the full moon. Every month, he had them all to himself. He may not remember most of it, but they’re always sure to tell him of what inane thing he did in his werewolf form that would make them giggle the following day. Or how they almost lost Wormtail or how they were almost caught in Hogsmeade by one of the shop owners. The day after was always spent lounging around together. Remus was beyond thankful for these days. When it felt normal. When  _ he  _ felt normal. While his condition may cause him to age prematurely, he could safely say that he was the one in the group who truly didn’t want to grow up.

“Everything is so different.” Remus finally confessed. “It’s stupid to say, but I guess I never really thought it would. I thought we’d stay kids forever.”

“It’s not stupid.” Sirius shrugged. “I wish we’d stay kids forever.” Remus looked at him sideways. “We’re seventeen. We’re adults now and I don’t even have a family anymore. It all happened much faster than I ever imagined it.”

“You don’t say that when you’re out with those girls every night.” Remus joked.

“Well, James and Lily are practically inseparable now. Even Peter has a girlfriend. I’ve got to keep myself occupied somehow.”

“Well, I’m there in the dorm by myself every night, you know that.” Remus pointed out, rolling his eyes, praying Sirius didn’t see. He didn’t respond for a moment, as if he was calculating in his head exactly what he needed to say. 

“That’s exactly why I can’t be there.” Sirius laughed lightly. “It’s complicated, Moony.”

“And I’m not?”

“That’s different. I just fear I may be reading all the wrong signs.” He explained.

“That’s unlike you. To fear anything.”

“I fear  _ many  _ things, Moony. You don’t even know half of it.”

“Like what?” Remus was curious. Sirius never showed any signs of fear or weakness. He was intrigued by the idea that Sirius Black may be as mortal as the rest of them.

“Losing you or James or Peter. With all this talk of darkness going on, it frightens me to think of losing the only people I’ve truly considered family.” Sirius explained. “I fear public humiliation. I fear humiliation in general. I’ve never been one for humility.” Remus chuckled, making Sirius smile. “I fear getting old. Getting ugly. I fear hurting the ones I love. Or them hurting me. I fear that I’m wasting my time, pining over someone who will only ever see me as their best friend.”

Remus could tell this was hard for him. He wasn’t one to disclose his feelings. Especially some so intimate. Even if he wasn’t being specific, Remus could tell exactly who he was talking about.

“Why don’t you just tell him?” Sirius stared at Remus as if he had grown a second head. “James is the nicest bloke I’ve ever met, he would let you down easy if anything. Maybe he likes you too?” Remus offered, though it was painfully obvious James only had eyes for Lily. 

Sirius shook his head with a smile before standing and reaching his hand out for Remus to grab. “Come on, let’s get back before the final feast.” Remus grabbed the hand and pulled himself to his feet. “Just think. A year from now, it’ll be our last day at Hogwarts. The real last day of our childhood.”

-

Remus had to admit, one of the things he would miss most about Hogwarts was quidditch. Sitting with Lily and Peter in the stands as they cheered for their friends was exhilarating. He almost teared up when he remembered this was their last match as students. He watched the field, James glancing around the stadium for a peek of the snitch, and Sirius was waiting patiently at the goals. James liked to tease Sirius by saying that their chasers were so good, he didn’t have to do anything for the entire match. 

Of course, they won their final match. With James as seeker, they were a shoo-in to win not only the game but the cup. A sea of red roared mightily as if an actual lion burst into the stadium. The players converged in the middle of the field, raising the cup and shouting cheers, hugging each other like mad.

Remus found he even enjoyed the celebration after the games. He often watched from a quiet corner of the common room as his friends were praised by their entire house. It seemed every Gryffindor would do anything to be friends with Sirius Black or James Potter, but Remus was lucky enough to be the one they returned to once they received all the praise and glory they desired.

_ The full moon must be close.  _ Remus thought, staring out the window at the sun setting. He’s never usually possessive like this. His thoughts were interrupted by someone clearing their throat and approaching him from the crowd.

“This seat taken?” Sirius laughed as he took a seat in the chair opposite him at the table. 

“It is now.” Remus smiled, leaning forward, placing his cheek in his palm. The crowd was still roaring, but it was an almost intimate setting in the secluded corner of the common room. “You did great.”

“I know.” He said, watching the students get plastered in the middle of the room. James and Sirius deemed it necessary to sneak in some firewhiskey into the common room, claiming it as one of their last great stunts. Though, it seemed less of a stunt and more of an excuse to get the whole house drunk as well as themselves. Sirius pushed the bottle towards him, encouraging him to take a sip. When he did, Remus felt a chill go through his body. He drank plenty in his time with his friends, but never truly gained a decent tolerance, feeling a buzzing in his head almost immediately at the strong alcohol. “I can’t believe it’s really over.”

“Right,” Remus said quietly, unsure that Sirius even heard him before taking another swig. 

“Can we go to the dorm?”

“You don’t want to party?” Remus asked, setting the bottle down and sliding it back to Sirius. Ever the responsible one, he vowed not to ever get too drunk, so he could keep an eye on his friends, namely James and Sirius who were notorious for acting out when under the influence.

Sirius idly sat for a moment. When he reached his hand back on the table, it didn’t go for the bottle, but for Remus’s hand. He grabbed it and flipped it gently so Remus’s palm was facing up and began tracing shapes into it mindlessly. He avoided eye contact, both boys keeping their eyes trained on Sirius’s actions. Remus felt a chill race through his body as Sirius trailed his fingers along his palm, tracing up to toy with his wrist, running his fingers along the veins found there.

“Not now.” Sirius suddenly pulled back, stood, and began walking towards the tower steps. He paused for a moment and looked over his shoulder. “You coming?” Remus realized he was staring and quickly jumped out of his seat, following after Sirius, barely even comprehending how inappropriate it could seem from an outside perspective.

“Can we please quit dancing around this, Moony?” Sirius said plainly as soon as the dorm room door shut.

“What?”

“You know what. I’ve done all I can to make it obvious to you, and you aren’t very sly either.” Sirius seemed slightly annoyed and only moderately tipsy. Remus was severely confused. “Look, maybe this isn’t in those little books that you carry around all the time, but there’s something going on and literally anyone else would just  _ do something  _ about it, but here we are, about to graduate and we have yet to do anything.”

“I really don’t understand, Pads-”

Within a second, Sirius was on him, their lips crashing together in a frenzy. Remus‘s eyes widened almost comically, wondering what kind of cruel prank Sirius was pulling, but quickly felt them shut, deciding that he should just calm down and  _ feel  _ for once. Maybe James was right. He was head over heels for Sirius Black, and he was just too idiotic not to realize it. Now he was in his arms, in an awkward embrace as their lips moved on their own accord. Once Sirius pulled away, Remus leaned in as if trying to follow him.

“Okay, I suppose I do understand.” He let out a breathy laugh. He was inches from Sirius’s face, unsure of where to put his hands, so he settled on placing them around the other’s waist. He felt dizzy. Sirius’s smell was overwhelming. The smell of those muggle cigarettes he carried around wherever he went as well as the firewhiskey that danced on his breath invaded itself to Remus’s attention, making it hard to focus on anything else but how much he truly enjoyed this. This thing he had subconsciously been simultaneously running towards and away from for years now was right before him, staring him in the face. 

“You really didn’t know?” Sirius cocked his head with a sideways smile. “Even when I’d insist you lay your head across my lap just so I could play with your hair? When you came to visit over the summer and I didn’t want to spend a second away from you? When I  _ touch  _ you?” Sirius emphasized the word as he trailed his fingers across the nape of Remus’s neck, making him shiver. “Just so I can see how you react. You’re always so responsive to me, I can’t believe I ever doubted there was anything there.”

“How long?” Remus leaned into Sirius’s touch.

“Longer than I care to admit.” He chuckled. “And you thought it was Prongs this whole time?”

“I always did. Although, it took me a little too long to realize my own feelings.” Remus admitted. This is what James always went on about after all. Perhaps it really was jealousy all those times Remus was upset that James and Sirius spent all their time together. Of course, it was more than a platonic thing. You don’t feel that way about a friend. You don’t treasure how a friend smells or how their touch gives you goosebumps. Sirius never left lingering touches on James or Peter. Only him. “I was so stupid.”

Sirius replied with a chaste kiss, swaying them slowly as if dancing even though there was no music to be heard. “You were, weren’t you.” He slurred with a lazy smile.

“You’re drunk, Padfoot.” Remus chuckled, trying to pull away from the embrace.

“Nooo,” Sirius pulled him back in, nuzzling his head into Remus’s chest, making Remus chuckle. He suddenly felt indescribably grateful that he was taller than Sirius. He shut his eyes and buried his face into Sirius’s hair, taking in the smell. “It doesn’t change the fact that I like you.”

“I know.” Remus smiled softly, hugging Sirius somehow tighter. “I like you too.”   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
